Little by little we all get to where we wanna be.
Called about my hours. They’ve been cut to eight this week. Fuckers.
I’ve been busting my ass and because I didn’t answer my phone on my days off I get cut hours.
School is starting in a month, and as for residency it takes six to eight weeks to process and it looks like I’ll be going back part time again.
This is bullshit, I should have stayed in Arizona and finished my education there, seriously.
The bookstore is only part time, and I may do two weeks work there, and one indefinitely for rush week. As for part time or full time work, apparently, it doesn’t exist.
I’m so over this bullshit job I work at. I’m tired of guessing what my check will be like, how many hours etc. I’ve been working my ass off and I only get eight hours a week. I’ll be looking for other job opportunities. It just isn’t worth it anymore.
My niece is coming into town in a week and a half, and I’ll be accompanying her to Chipenddales. I’m doing this for her, and to spend time with her. To be honest, I’ve never been a fan of it, and I know it’s different that I’m married. It’s disgusting if you ask me.
Next month my mom and brother are coming down to visit. I’m kind of excited, but to be honest - - - it’s just too much to handle. I love her not because I have to but because she’s my mother. What a weird and strained relationship we have.
I wish things were better for me to be honest. I”m still struggling to be happy and to find a job that makes me excited to be there, but in all honesty, I’m completely thrown and lost.
Ignore the anon... He/she's not worth your time :)
Thank you, I appreciate that. Ugh, so I’m seeing your icon and have Calzona feels so bad.
What's the meaning behind your URL?
Nothing really. I just came up with it a decade ago when I was on Xanga. I tried to be hardcore; but in the process, I made the best friends a girl could ask for.
What are your life goals?
To find something in my life that makes me so incredibly happy that I don’t ever want to go to sleep.
I have an interview today for a bookstore. I’m excited, and I know I’ll get it. I’ve worked with them before. I know If and when I get this, I’ll be working with a bunch of Mexicans chatty ass teenagers and I’ll just want to kill myself.
If I work graveyards it’s not so bad to be honest. I work with L and L and they are bearable. I don’t have bitches telling me I’m too slow, you need to do this this and this. I don’t feel like I am five and getting bossed around. I’d rather do graveyards than anything, to be honest. Work called me in, and I ignored it. I’m not working today for six to eight hours, coming home doing laundry, catching a cat nap, getting ready and heading to an interview. That’s seriously fucking insane.
What happens when you love somebody with all your heart and soul, where does the love go?
People can forgive toxic parents, but they should do it at the conclusion—not at the beginning—of their emotional housecleaning. People need to get angry about what happened to them. They need to grieve over the fact that they never had the parental love they yearned for. They need to stop diminishing or discounting the damage that was done to them. Too often, “forgive and forget” means “pretend it didn’t happen.”
I also believe that forgiveness is appropriate only when parents do something to earn it. Toxic parents, especially the more abusive ones, need to acknowledge what happened, take responsibility, and show a willingness to make amends. If you unilaterally absolve parents who continue to treat you badly, who deny much of your reality and feelings, and who continue to project blame onto you, you may seriously impede the emotional work you need to do. If one or both parents are dead, you can still heal the damage, by forgiving yourself and releasing much of the hold that they had over your emotional well-being.
At this point, you may be wondering, understandably, if you will remain bitter and angry for the rest of your life if you don’t forgive your parents. In fact, quite the opposite is true. What I have seen over the years is that emotional and mental peace comes as a result of releasing yourself from your toxic parents’ control, without necessarily having to forgive them. And that release can come only after you’ve worked through your intense feelings of outrage and grief and after you’ve put the responsibility on their shoulders, where it belongs.
Don’t bother to catch me
I’m too emotional, and I take things to heart and that is who I have always been. It’s weird because I know my family is toxic, and bad for me and yet the more I miss them and hurt the more I want to be closer to them. It’s been weeks since my second oldest brother and I have talked. I am still making the effort to not call him. But, in the back of my mind I will call him on the 25th since it’s his birthday. I know I’ll send him a card, it just sucks that he won’t call. I think a card is better suited. It’ll let him know I’m thinking of him which is always.
Sunday afternoon I had a dream about my dad. It was during this time three years ago I went to go and visit my parents. I had answered the phone and my dad was pissed because it was my ex SIL. My rapist brother was pissed I answered the phone. I don’t understand why he was so angry. His daughter wanted to speak to her mom and he was ignoring the phone. I remember going into the corner room and talking to my mom about it, and I said, “I’m done with him treating me and yelling at me the way he does.” My dad said something along the lines of ‘you don’t live here anymore’
Basically to get the fuck out.
I remember crying and as I was packing and about to leave he was standing in the living room and he sighed and said he was sorry for hurting my feelings, but he was still angry. So, the dream I had we were fighting over how to do something and I was angry and mad at him and I moved rather quickly and I stabbed him, and I remember crying and saying, “Dad, I’m so sorry. Don’t die.” He was angry with me, and in that moment I couldn’t save him.
I woke up crying.
I was sobbing and I couldn’t stop because I wanted my dad there. It’s been two and a half years and I still want to save him and have more time with him. I sobbed in the bathroom. Eventually, my husband woke up and I told him and when I do he doesn’t say much. He doesn’t know how to be there for me and how to react. I still miss my dad terribly and I think it won’t ever change.
I just wish I had a better family, and the courage to up and leave but I know somehow they are a safety net even if it is toxic. I wish I had the tools to cope. I’m barely coping and hanging on and that’s scares me.