All I want to do is write and write and write until my fingers stop bleeding —- or until I stop hurting. I’m just so fucking sad. I really miss my dad tonight, and I haven’t really thought of him in months to be honest.
I wish life wasn’t this hard, you know?
We flown in from Denver late last night. By the time we had gotten home and settled and fallen asleep it was about one thirty in the morning. Let me recap what the pros V cons were about Denver
- Got to see my cousin, her kid, and husband. I hadn’t seen her in twelve years, so it was a trip.
- Her daughter is absolutely precious. She is so easy going, and reminds me a lot of my niece Maggie at the age.
- The weather was in the 30’s when we flown in, but by the time we left it was in the seventies and beautiful.
- I got to see my brothers and take a few adventures with my husband, so that was a plus. Plus, his team beat Colorado so that was good, too
- My cousin sucks at being a mother. Some people shouldn’t have fucking kids.
- She couldn’t go fifteen minutes without smoking a blunt, and by the time we left I was burnt out.
- She smoked half of my cigarettes which wasn’t so bad except for the fact that she was going to give me half a pack and “forgot”
- I was going to say goodbye and I texted and she got lippy with me because I didn’t call.
- Her in laws picked up her kid, and she was telling them about how she’s getting depressed, talking about a budget etc.
- Her crackhead friends were on the porch, and it was super awkward.
- She said I should have called first because it would have let her known I was coming over. Um, are you fucking kidding me? I’m leaving town and you wanted me to call? FUCK YOU
- While she was hungry and feeding her kid grape, I had to take the bowl away and tear pieces of grape so she wouldn’t choke. She gave her kid kettle chips and her husband had to keep on breaking each chip in half so she wouldn’t choke on them.
Yeah what a good weekend LOLJK I think the best part was her not watching her kid and her husband having to watch her. I get he wanted to relax but fuck sakes are you kidding me? Be a fucking parent. She is like my mom but ten times worse. We haven’t really talked in a few days. She will like my posts on facebook. I knew she smoked but every fifteen minutes. She’d get this look on her face, I can’t explain it. It’s like if she isn’t constantly high then she’s a bummer to be around.
Her husband called her asking her to come home and she kept on saying she failed him. He thought she was going to smoke with her friend and come straight home. Her kid was awake and he had to go to bed because he had work in the morning. I mentioned that we went over to say goodbye. He wanted to talk to her… probably about how she shouldn’t have taken me on a walk and come straight home and he was pissed that she ignored his wishes.
But, he couldn’t because she had friends over, and his parents just picked up the kid. It was like watching a puppy get it’s nose whacked. He said he was going to leave, and let her socialize. I feel bad for him. I am not one to judge because I don’t know her pain but it’s like - - - I don’t even want to finish that sentence, honestly. We hugged and said goodbye. God, was that fucking awkward
I shouldn’t bitch but I get why her and my cousins are divided. Why can’t any of my mom’s side of the family be straight?
I don’t even want to fucking be a part of my family anymore. I am so fucking disgusted.
I just finished my first paper for my English class. When I was writing about my hometown - - - I didn’t feel anything. I wrote about my grandparents house, the street they lived on and the town. I’ve done a similar assignment three years ago and felt every ounce of emotion. This time I felt nothing.
I think it has to do with the fact of my dad dying, my rapist brother dying, and grandfather dying, too. It’s weird talking about it. I try to keep my emotions at bay when I speak of my father, and brother, and grandfather. I think I’ve let their deaths go.
That is a really big event for me because I have always had trouble letting go. It brings me back to fifteen years ago whenever I would visit my brothers in the city, and as we pulled out of the driveway I would just sob because I missed them so much. Eventually, in time, I stopped crying. I think if I can get to that place where I don’t cry over what happened then I’ll be okay.
When I talk about being a victim of incest, I just, I don’t know where and how to feel. Sure, I have all these emotions all over the place, but I mean at the end of the day, it happened, there is nothing I could have done only being ten and my parents failed me. They covered his ass when they should have been protecting mine.
Sure I sound bitter but after all the shit my brother has pulled I just need to let go. He’s not a good person. I hear all these good things about him from his friends from junior high and high school and I think, “You guys are full of shit, sure you remember the good guy who faked shit with you, but I have all these bad memories that I won’t ever mention.”
Why, and what’s the fucking point? It will go either two ways. One: “Why are you mentioning this now that he’s dead.” Two: it happened so long ago, you need to let it go. I could get emotional and think, “God, you’re so mean, I can’t let it go, it hurts too bad.” I was that way last year, and this year I realize - - - Will it matter in a year from now, or two years from now?
No, not really because my parents failed me, and it’s my turn to turn it around. I smoke a lot more than I should. Cigarettes, not crack. I am drinking more than I ever have because why the hell not? I’m sick and tired of being afraid of alcohol. I’ve never acted out when drinking. It’s safe to realize, I’m not her, I’ve been me all along and having fear of booze is really retarded. I’m going to the gym, I’m trying to be in better shape, so what if I sin differently than you?
Fuck, it’s already midnight nineteen I need to hit the hay like Ray Rice hit his wife.
Low blow, Suzanne, low fucking blow.
The entire situation of Ray Rice completely just - - - blows my mind. What I don’t understand is if he did this to his wife and it was caught on camera, what is their home life like? More importantly, why did she marry him? Is it because of love, because he conned her, or is she really that blind?
Sure, once a woman hits a man she is no longer a lady. But, if a man is that far gone because of a woman’s actions, and he still hits her because she hit him - - - he is no better than she is and he is no longer a man.
I could make all the Ike Turner jokes in the world, but at the end of the day Janay is still getting the shit beat out of her.
Like I said, it blows my mind.
Who am I to judge?
Tammy Wynette is wrong: Don’t Stand By Your Man unless you want to get kicked in the face.
That sound you hear is the loudest, strongest, fiercest, most deafening roar ever heard. And it it is magical. It is setting precedents. It is breaking ground. It is making it known, LOUD and CLEAR…
Violence against women will NOT be tolerated.